Happy New Year, and welcome to the December bulletin for The Church of Close Enoughism. It has been an interesting year. Things could have been better for the church, but progress was close enough to meeting expectations.
First and foremost, we are accepting new applications for membership. The deadline for this is January 29th, so please try to get them to us by mid-February. Ideally we would like a signature in blood, but red pen is close enough.
The second thing to address is that our revised Ten Commandments list is finally ready. The reason for this update is that we wished to address concerns that there were previously only six commandments, and not ten as advertised. The updated list should hopefully alleviate these concerns. We did not have the budget to hire a stone-cutter to produce an authentic rock copy, but we hope you will accept a printed list as close enough.
The revised commandments are as follows:
- Thou shalt try thy best, or be close enough to thy best.
- Thou shalt not judge those who try their best.
- Though shalt be close enough to fulfilling thy obligations.
- Thou shalt obey the ones of the Christian 10 commandments that art actually good, but not the ones about like God or whatever.
- Thou shalt not judge those who put pineapple on pizza. Honestly it’s actually pretty good. I respect your opinion of not liking it, but let those who do live in peace. In fact, in a more general sense, this commandment should be phrased “Thou shalt not partake in petty judgement over trivial matters.” Yeah, actually, just type that part for the bulletin, not the pineapple thing.
- Thou shalt not consider bigotry to be “close enough” to any sense of decency.
- Thou shalt take pride in the accomplishments of thyself and thy friends.
- Thou shalt attend every monthly Church Communion (with at least 70% consistency.)
Our third announcement was intended to be about the Christmas Ball, though given the timing of this bulletin this point is redundant now. We promise to you now that in 2017, the Christmas Ball will actually exist. Any who wish to participate in organising this should give us their names within the next twelve months, and then we will begin preparations.
Finally, we would like to retract an earlier statement. It turns out the amount of people who voted against Trump was not close enough. While we usually are happy to convince ourselves that our achievements are close enough to what they should be, there are times when we must admit otherwise. Anyone who considered this man to be close enough to any sense of decency has violated the sixth (formerly third) commandment and is at risk of being banished from the Church when we get round to it.
Thank you for reading the bulletin. We shall see you in nine weeks for next month’s update.