Happy New Year, and welcome to the December bulletin for The Church of Close Enoughism. It has been an interesting year. Things could have been better for the church, but progress was close enough to meeting expectations.
HEY, so this was supposed to be published like a week ago but I’m terrible. But it’s here now. Have a good day.
There’s a website that randomly generates a plot for you. Here is a slightly edited version of one I wrote a long time ago based on the prompt “When a mistake is made, a container of malfunctioning robots go on a riverboat trip.”
If you know me, you probably know how much I like manatees. My high school band was even called Manatees on Fire. That’s how great manatees are.
Their funny and cute appearance is enough to deserve some appreciation, but they have more to offer than that.
No being embodies peace like the manatee. Floating lazily through the water, these big round friends radiate love wherever they go.
We could learn something from them. If we wandered around aimlessly more often, doing nothing but enjoying the aimlessness, we might be happier.
While finding purpose in life is crucial, time off is crucial too. Allow a little bit of time that serves no purpose.
Be a manatee and float freely to nowhere. Purpose is a construct of society. Reject the capitalistic demand to be productive.
Be a manatee and leave your earthly ties behind. Gravity is a construct of physics. Reject the mathematical demand to remain grounded, and rise to cosmic greatness.
Be a manatee and visit every star that you can see. Time is a construct of existence. Reject the chronological demand to obey cause and effect.
Be a manatee and create a cycle in which the effect of a cause causes that same cause to cause the effect.
Be a human and remember that this was all a dream. Reject the cosmic brilliance of your imaginary journey and be at peace with your humble little earthly existence.
Like the manatee within, be at peace with the concept of mortality.
You will never visit the stars or disobey chronological progression, but you can be like a manatee nonetheless. You can radiate love and peace without purpose or intent, but as the very essence of your being.
You are a speck of dust floating past the lens of the universe, but you exist. The manatee is content with this existence, thinking nothing of the paradoxical superposition of cosmic majesty and earthly humility.
We too can find contentment in life if we try to live as the manatee lives.
Freedom of speech gives a person the right to say what they want. The right to say something does not mean they are entitled to anyone providing them with a platform from which to say it, or to anyone listening. Just as an individual has the right to speak, others have the right to say “that statement is not welcome in our community.” Although this can be seen as the suppression of freedom of speech, it is also the community protecting itself.
The apparent scarcity of ghosts is inconsistent with the abundance of dead people. There are two theories that dominate scientific discussions about why this may be. Both are horrible prospects.
The first suggests that ghosts are massless. If this is the case, then gravity cannot aid them in staying grounded. Thus it takes great effort to stay on the surface, and this effort requires skills that newly dead ghosts are unlikely to yet be familiar with. The outcome therefore is that they will drift away from earth and find themselves floating through empty space in eternal solitude.
The second theory suggests that ghosts do in fact have mass. Ghosts are known to be able to pass through solid matter. It follows that if gravity is acting upon them, they would have to resist that force in order to stay above the ground. Again, resisting it may not be easy for new ghosts, and they would find themselves phase into the earth. Slowly they would sink, until they reached the Earth’s core. Here they would join countless other ghosts, trapped in a screaming ball of horror, forever unable to return to the surface.