Visits to my Local Time Shaft – 3

So I was down at my local Time Shaft recently, and I’m a little concerned about what I found.

Almost perfectly timed with my arrival, a piece of paper flew out, and floated gently to my feet.

My name was written on one side. I turned it over and read, “We see you, Barny. We hope you’re having fun.”

I do not know who wrote this or why one man looking into the shaft is worthy of sending a note to. What makes it intimidating is that they used my full name. They know what the K stands for. Only my parents and I know what the K stands for. It even just says “K” on my birth certificate.

One scenario is that it is a threat from scientists of the future to dissuade me from studying the time shaft, but that seems unlikely as my research has not indicated that such studies are damaging – and they could not know my full name!

Alternatively it could be those chronowraiths I was warned about – but all others evidence suggests that they are either not real, or at least dormant. If they are real, and are actually sending messages to me, many would consider it an ill omen for our future. This assumption is based on superstition and rumour alone though. There is no reason to believe chronowraiths are inherently destructive or evil. Even if they would destroy our timelines, a worse scenario also exists. I have a bet with my rival that I will reveal my middle name if he ever gets a Nobel prize. If in the future he has achieved that goal… I’d rather have taken my chances with the chronowraiths…

Until next time,

– Barnabus K. Pompadour

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Visits to my Local Time Shaft – 2

So I was down at my local time shaft recently, and it spewed out an incredible device from the future…

At first I was underwhelmed, thinking it was nothing but an average everyday toilet seat. My keen eye soon noticed something – a little button on the back. Naturally, I pressed it at once. The seat aligned itself horizontally at a comfortable sitting height, and a holographic basket appeared beneath it. I pressed down on the seat, and it did not budge. Some powerful levitation technology indeed must have been at play. I rummaged through my pocket and found a penny. I tossed it in, and it never reached the ground. Instead there sounded a light fizz as it appeared to simply disappear upon contact with the holographic basket.

Coincidentally, it was a hot day and I had had rather too much water on my journey to the Time Shaft. Thus nature called. Tentatively, I unzipped and used the device. There was a steady crackle as the stream reached the bottom. When I was done, I had to look – and the ground beneath the device was indeed purely dry.

I have tried to reverse-engineer the seat and work out just where my penny and urine might now be, but to no success. The only hint is a set of what appear to chrono-energetic drivers. From this I hypothesise that whatever passes through this seat is teleported into a different time – hopefully not in a way that might make it fly out of the time shaft…

One interesting possibility I have considered is that the matter entering the toilet is sent back in time to prehistoric jungles, where it acts as fertiliser to fuel the growth and evolution that one day led to the creation of the device that put it there. (Take this theory with a pinch of salt, as I have been known to suggest time-paradoxes at every opportunity!)

What I can say for sure is that the energy used by this device must be quite considerable in order to levitate and teleport matter. But perhaps it is still more efficient that stretching a complex sewer system to every house on an overpopulated planet? Needless to say, I will try my very best to discover the workings of this device, and see if something similar might come sooner than the far future connections of the time shaft.

I shall be back with another report as soon as the shaft gives me something to discuss!

Until next time,

     – Prof, Barnabus K. Pompadour

 

P.S – You may find my collected reports here.

Visits to my Local Time Shaft – 1

So I was down at my local Time Shaft recently, and it spewed out some interesting stuff from the future…

This time, the thing that I found this time could maybe serve as a warning but I’m not sure about that.

It appears to be from a political campaign flyer for “The 3D Independence Party”

It opens with this statement:

“These hyperprismatic invaders have no geometric integrity.

A vote for them is a vote against the mathematical truth of our universe”

The next few lines are too burned up to read, and then it says:

“Why should we pay for an interdimensional portal we didn’t ask for?”

It would seem that beings from another dimension will come to our world at some point in our future, though I could not get a trace on the year.  The 3D independence party are probably quite a biased source of information.

Given that they appear willing to partake in democracy to gain power rather than obliterating humankind, I think we should not judge the hyperprismatic beings yet. I’m sure our geometric tendencies are as shocking to them as theirs are to us. Mutual understanding must be established before jumping to conclusions.

The 3D Independence Party state “if these beings want to come to our universe they have to conform to our geometric principles.” I say what happened to humankind’s spirit of compassion? Let us extend that compassion into the 4th dimension, and perhaps in return we will receive a beautiful 4-dimensional reciprocation unlike anything we have ever known. Healthy political relations with these beings might be the key to a new chapter in human science.

On the other hand… the hyperprismatic entities might be evil bastards incapable of love. They might use this election to gain power then destroy us by launching the entire planet into 4D space and imploding our puny 3D brains.

That’s the thing with the Time Shaft… You never know the whole story… But I’ll always tell the part I know. Be on the look-out for more reports, presented as a series of posts titled “Visits to my Local Time Shaft!”

The First Great Act of Mediocrity – The Grabbing of the Fruit

It has come to our attention that not many of our followers know the Adequate Holy Scripts of the Mehssiah. We wish to make a confession that this lack of awareness is largely due to the elders’ lack of communication regarding these scripts. We then wish to subsequently confess that this lack of communication is largely due to the lack of the scripts being finished yet. To prove that we are working on this, we present here the first of The Seven Great Acts of Mediocrity.

 

Each and every day since the town’s first brick was laid, the Holy Tree offered the people fruit. And each and every day one of the townsfolk in turn would row across the lake to the island upon which stood the Holy Tree to receive its gift. Years passed with the tradition unbroken, until the bleakest winter the town had seen wrought cold so fierce the water turned to ice. The rowboat was trapped in an unrelenting frozen grasp. Panic struck the townsfolk that they might not reach the tree this day, and God would smite them down for their ungrateful ways – but one man stepped forth. It was Him, the mehssiah, in all his adequacy, and he said, “I guess I can maybe try to bring to you the fruit of the Holy Tree?”

And so He, the mehssiah, in all his adequacy, strode to the shore. Boots met ice, and it bore his weight. Mercy was upon Him as he stepped further from the shore. Each step more adequate than the last, He made his way to the island. The fruit of the tree on this day was bigger and brighter than any fruit it had borne before. The mehssiah reached out and took it. He turned back, and placed boot upon ice once more. A subtle crack began to form, and He made haste toward the shore. The ice which had held his weight seemed unworthy to also hold the Holy Fruit. The crack grew, and with approximate accuracy He bowled the fruit along the surface. It reached the people on the shore with only moderate bruising, and at that same moment the ice beneath the mehssiah gave way. Honoured by his moderately successful venture, the townsfolk rushed to save Him, in all in his adequacy, and he was pulled shivering to the sand. From this moment, the mehssiah knew He was destined to complete many more charitable acts to a mediocre standard, and He would always be Close Enough.

 

We would like to clarify that we neither confirm nor deny the existence of holy trees or demanding gods. The acts of Him, the mehssiah, in all his adequacy, are the only truths we stand by. Without concern for the truth about the tree’s gift, he stepped forth for the people who believed in it. He showed his acceptance that their way of life was Close Enough to the right way. He walked upon the ice for sake of traditions that were not his own – out of respect for their ways. We too can ensure that we are always Close Enough to being a good ally to those who need one, whether we believe in their ways or not.

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Thank you for reading this official publication by The Church of Close Enoughism. The next of The Seven Great Acts of Mediocrity may come soon. We cannot promise anything. Our historians take their time getting the facts together. May your life be Close Enough to how you wish it to be.

 

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The Church of Close Enoughism December Bulletin

Happy New Year, and welcome to the December bulletin for The Church of Close Enoughism. It has been an interesting year. Things could have been better for the church, but progress was close enough to meeting expectations.

Continue reading “The Church of Close Enoughism December Bulletin”