Visits to my Local Time Shaft – 4

So I was down at my local time shaft recently, and it threw out something less disturbing than last time – perhaps… Actually, this is also a little disturbing.

The time shaft gave what appears to be a passage from a classroom textbook. I’m surprised they still have paper ones. It describes a construction blunder of incredible proportion, stating that “a typo in the architect’s plans led the engineers to build evolving doors.”

Allow me to quote directly rather than paraphrase:

Initially, the evolving doors did not cause any problems. After around a month, they had developed a basic form of sentience. They were intelligent enough to mess with people who entered, jokingly asking for passwords, but for now, they were content with being doors.

It was another six months before their existential crisis. An employee, Jonas Fuller, was the first to report the change, stating “the doors asked me what it means to be a door.”

His concerns were largely ignored, and within days the doors barely functioned for their purpose any more. They became incredibly depressed and were far too willing to open up about it. Things only got worse from this point on.

Then a few sentences are illegible through charring from the time shaft, but it escalates quickly.

By this time, the hostages were well on the road to recovery, while the doors continued to exert power. They now legally occupy a new nation spanning 243 square kilometres of land formerly belonging to the USA. Aside from the events of their fight for independence, they have remained a peaceful nation, though the human rights record there still falls short of UN expectations.

And that is all I have. I wish I had the whole textbook to read more than this brief overview, but alas, this is the nature of the time shaft. We find random shreds of information and see what we can learn from them. This particular item really shows the incredible potential humankind shall achieve with synthetic evolution. Hopefully other applications of this wondrous technology will turn out less messily – or perhaps we are better off not risking it.

Until next time,

    – Barnabus K. Pomadour

Visits to my Local Time Shaft – 3

So I was down at my local Time Shaft recently, and I’m a little concerned about what I found.

Almost perfectly timed with my arrival, a piece of paper flew out, and floated gently to my feet.

My name was written on one side. I turned it over and read, “We see you, Barny. We hope you’re having fun.”

I do not know who wrote this or why one man looking into the shaft is worthy of sending a note to. What makes it intimidating is that they used my full name. They know what the K stands for. Only my parents and I know what the K stands for. It even just says “K” on my birth certificate.

One scenario is that it is a threat from scientists of the future to dissuade me from studying the time shaft, but that seems unlikely as my research has not indicated that such studies are damaging – and they could not know my full name!

Alternatively it could be those chronowraiths I was warned about – but all others evidence suggests that they are either not real, or at least dormant. If they are real, and are actually sending messages to me, many would consider it an ill omen for our future. This assumption is based on superstition and rumour alone though. There is no reason to believe chronowraiths are inherently destructive or evil. Even if they would destroy our timelines, a worse scenario also exists. I have a bet with my rival that I will reveal my middle name if he ever gets a Nobel prize. If in the future he has achieved that goal… I’d rather have taken my chances with the chronowraiths…

Until next time,

– Barnabus K. Pompadour

Visits to my Local Time Shaft – 2

So I was down at my local time shaft recently, and it spewed out an incredible device from the future…

At first I was underwhelmed, thinking it was nothing but an average everyday toilet seat. My keen eye soon noticed something – a little button on the back. Naturally, I pressed it at once. The seat aligned itself horizontally at a comfortable sitting height, and a holographic basket appeared beneath it. I pressed down on the seat, and it did not budge. Some powerful levitation technology indeed must have been at play. I rummaged through my pocket and found a penny. I tossed it in, and it never reached the ground. Instead there sounded a light fizz as it appeared to simply disappear upon contact with the holographic basket.

Coincidentally, it was a hot day and I had had rather too much water on my journey to the Time Shaft. Thus nature called. Tentatively, I unzipped and used the device. There was a steady crackle as the stream reached the bottom. When I was done, I had to look – and the ground beneath the device was indeed purely dry.

I have tried to reverse-engineer the seat and work out just where my penny and urine might now be, but to no success. The only hint is a set of what appear to chrono-energetic drivers. From this I hypothesise that whatever passes through this seat is teleported into a different time – hopefully not in a way that might make it fly out of the time shaft…

One interesting possibility I have considered is that the matter entering the toilet is sent back in time to prehistoric jungles, where it acts as fertiliser to fuel the growth and evolution that one day led to the creation of the device that put it there. (Take this theory with a pinch of salt, as I have been known to suggest time-paradoxes at every opportunity!)

What I can say for sure is that the energy used by this device must be quite considerable in order to levitate and teleport matter. But perhaps it is still more efficient that stretching a complex sewer system to every house on an overpopulated planet? Needless to say, I will try my very best to discover the workings of this device, and see if something similar might come sooner than the far future connections of the time shaft.

I shall be back with another report as soon as the shaft gives me something to discuss!

Until next time,

     – Prof, Barnabus K. Pompadour

 

P.S – You may find my collected reports here.

Visits to my Local Time Shaft – 1

So I was down at my local Time Shaft recently, and it spewed out some interesting stuff from the future…

This time, the thing that I found this time could maybe serve as a warning but I’m not sure about that.

It appears to be from a political campaign flyer for “The 3D Independence Party”

It opens with this statement:

“These hyperprismatic invaders have no geometric integrity.

A vote for them is a vote against the mathematical truth of our universe”

The next few lines are too burned up to read, and then it says:

“Why should we pay for an interdimensional portal we didn’t ask for?”

It would seem that beings from another dimension will come to our world at some point in our future, though I could not get a trace on the year.  The 3D independence party are probably quite a biased source of information.

Given that they appear willing to partake in democracy to gain power rather than obliterating humankind, I think we should not judge the hyperprismatic beings yet. I’m sure our geometric tendencies are as shocking to them as theirs are to us. Mutual understanding must be established before jumping to conclusions.

The 3D Independence Party state “if these beings want to come to our universe they have to conform to our geometric principles.” I say what happened to humankind’s spirit of compassion? Let us extend that compassion into the 4th dimension, and perhaps in return we will receive a beautiful 4-dimensional reciprocation unlike anything we have ever known. Healthy political relations with these beings might be the key to a new chapter in human science.

On the other hand… the hyperprismatic entities might be evil bastards incapable of love. They might use this election to gain power then destroy us by launching the entire planet into 4D space and imploding our puny 3D brains.

That’s the thing with the Time Shaft… You never know the whole story… But I’ll always tell the part I know. Be on the look-out for more reports, presented as a series of posts titled “Visits to my Local Time Shaft!”